It’s not cheating if we’re on a break right?
Any child of the 90’s know that this was the defence of Ross
when he and Rachel had broken up on the TV show "Friends" and he got together with another girl. The
logic goes that if a couple chooses to change the label of their relationship
to “off” as opposed to “on”, it’s OK to date someone else. It’s not cheating, because we mutually decided to take a
break.
However then when this couple wants to get back together, they ask for total trust. I’ll act differently since we’re back “on”.
That's treating a relationship like a shoe. You can't simply "step out" of a relationship. Just because you aren't officially "with" a person, doesn't mean that your relationship ceases to exist.
The way you act with your previous girlfriend, will affect the relationship with your current girlfriend.
When you break up with a person, you are still in a relationship with that person. You may not be dating, but your still in a relationship. In fact a case can be made that you have the ability to hurt that person just as much or even more once you break up than when you are still "together".
A relationship is not a “thing” we can get in and out of. It’s the continued interaction of two people. You can’t just turn it off and on. There is no label that makes it OK to do something that will hurt the other person. It’s fluid.
Any child of the 90’s know that this was the defence of Ross
when he and Rachel had broken up on the TV show "Friends" and he got together with another girl. The
logic goes that if a couple chooses to change the label of their relationship
to “off” as opposed to “on”, it’s OK to date someone else. It’s not cheating, because we mutually decided to take a
break.However then when this couple wants to get back together, they ask for total trust. I’ll act differently since we’re back “on”.
That's treating a relationship like a shoe. You can't simply "step out" of a relationship. Just because you aren't officially "with" a person, doesn't mean that your relationship ceases to exist.
The way you act with your previous girlfriend, will affect the relationship with your current girlfriend.
When you break up with a person, you are still in a relationship with that person. You may not be dating, but your still in a relationship. In fact a case can be made that you have the ability to hurt that person just as much or even more once you break up than when you are still "together".
A relationship is not a “thing” we can get in and out of. It’s the continued interaction of two people. You can’t just turn it off and on. There is no label that makes it OK to do something that will hurt the other person. It’s fluid.
I meet with young couples all the time who are experiencing
trust issues, and they can't seem to figure out why. They don't see how every choices they made prior to getting into this exclusive relationship, has carried forward into how they build trust now. On this post-Valentine's day, maybe we've got to rethink how we view relationships.
They can't see how their pattern of dating and then breaking up when things got hard have are now influencing their partner's ability to trust that they won't simply do the same thing in their current relationship.
Culture says that's it's OK to mess around or look around until the day you seal the deal in marriage. What the culture neglects to mention is that if we do this, when we do meet the one person we want to share everything with, then they will have a hard time trusting you. If you used to fool around with friends when we weren’t “on”, how do I know you won’t do that now? If you left your old partners when you weren’t happy, what makes me any different?
They can't see how their pattern of dating and then breaking up when things got hard have are now influencing their partner's ability to trust that they won't simply do the same thing in their current relationship.
Culture says that's it's OK to mess around or look around until the day you seal the deal in marriage. What the culture neglects to mention is that if we do this, when we do meet the one person we want to share everything with, then they will have a hard time trusting you. If you used to fool around with friends when we weren’t “on”, how do I know you won’t do that now? If you left your old partners when you weren’t happy, what makes me any different?
I think we all want our relationships to be more than just a "label" on social media for how we are currently viewing our status with another person. I know I want my relationship to be a living and thriving collaboration of what my wife and I have created together. If I want it to be
successful and thrive with with trust, then I can’t live in segments. I can't decide that today doesn't matter, because we're apart. Even if a couple goes of a break... their feeling don't. Our lives are not lived in segments. They are always on.
Relationships are not a thing or a label. It’s two people trying to figure out
how to put their entire trust, hopes and dreams into the care of each other. We
have to be so careful not to mess that up before we even get going.
Thankfully there is forgiveness.
Thankfully we deserve fresh starts.
But if we want our relationship to work – always choose the
highest good for our current, or eventual partner.
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