The goal of every teenaged life is to hide the reality of
most of what goes on in their lives from their parents.
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The goal of every parent is the exact opposite, to discover
the horrifying truth of what their teenagers are up to.
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Sounds like a match made in a Vegas Octagon
(Parents - this is an MMA reference)
(Parents - MMA stands for Mixed Martial Arts. Caged
fighting. Just keeping you in the loop)
From a clinical standpoint, the developmental goal of the
adolescent is to achieve autonomy & exert his or her independence from
their caregiver. Your teenager really does need to explore the limitations of the surrounding world.
To become a healthy functioning adult, all of us must find
out how we can support ourselves, where and how we will experience failure, and most of all, where we must be willing to receive input and/or correction. Often times this comes in the form of very risky behaviours,
piercings in strange places, and music that seems to very loud and angry to
everyone else.
Because who has seen an intoxicated teenagers with a 3 inch
spike through their eye lid run in and out of traffic because they can’t heard
the car horns due to the 110 decibel music blaring from their "beats by dre" (Parents - beats by dre are the giant head phones you seem them with… again,
just keeping you in the loop). But no worries - it’s all in the name of autonomy, not rebellion.
And every parent wants their child to succeed as an adult. Actually we want them out of our house more quickly than
most of them seem to be leaving these days
(Teenagers - this is the truth. We do want you to live on
your own. You need to be kept in the loop as well.)
We want you to be independent. We just want you to be able
to function when you get there.
So with naturally oppositional goals of hiding truth and
discovering truth, how can teens and parents move from enemies to a more
supportive role? After all, the parental role is actually one that is designed
to help their kids, not fight against them.
We as parents have a huge change we need to make. Every time
we see our kids doing something risky or something that we know will lead to
bad results, we have to resist to urge to tell them so.
Seriously.
Think about it.
How do you react when someone tells you than a great idea
you have is bad and won’t work out.
You get hurt/upset/offended.
We do this to our teens all the time. They have an idea they feel is original and will change everything about their lives. No one has ever come up with an idea like theirs. Then we go and tell them why they
can’t blow all their savings on starting up a skateboard company, or refuse to allow
them to get neck tattoos. (and rightly so),
But if all they ever hear from us is
“No - that’s a dumb idea” than they learn we are the enemy.
Don't come to the parent for help, they just want to squash your dreams.
What if they heard… tell me a little more about that?
How would they respond if you said, lets go look into this
together?
They’d probably roll their eyes and sigh. But you might
avoid a fight. What’s more you might avoid becoming your teens constant
adversary.
At the very worst, you're going to become a reluctant business parter of a fledgling skate company, that company's financial planner
or maybe even a teenaged focused fashionista.
They need to try… and fail.
They also need advice and support.
What messages are you giving your teen about how you will
support them.
Are you their adversary or their backbone?
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